my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
