I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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