Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize