he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
