I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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