coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
