I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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