Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
