Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
