I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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