I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
