she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
