I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
