shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
