I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
