I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
