Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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