ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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