Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
