i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
