no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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