I just cut my nipple shaving
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
