we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
