Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
