You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I will be naked everywhere
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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