I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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