Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
