this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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