I'm so fucking centered right now
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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