oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Soap is not a condiment
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Randomize
