Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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