Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
