Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
