Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
