I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
