the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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