and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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