someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
