My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
as a side note pls kill me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
