Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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