She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
