don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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