Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
