a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
