Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
