You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i believe in u and ur pee
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
