Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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