This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
