We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
