I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
