I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
where are my eyebrows?
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