I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
