so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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