i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
