if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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