He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
