I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize