Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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