puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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