so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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